Posted by: Lizabeta | June 21, 2011

Diary of an Apple

Big Apple
Diary of an Apple
Day 1
Dear Journal,
It is a terrible time to be an apple, for I have been plucked from my family tree, tossed and trapped in a sack. I am being carried away to unknown lands, lands that no apple has ever returned from. It is dark and cold in this bag. I’ve never felt so alone, even surrounded by my own kind.

Day 2
Dear Journal,
I am bruised from all this bumpy traveling, its windy and crowded. As I look out a small hole upon my siblings and neighbors boxed up in crates and sacks, who are scared out of their skins, I wonder what will happen to me. I can no longer see my family tree. I’m scared, I don’t know where we are going, or what they are going to do to us. All I know is that after this, my life will never be the same.

Day 3
Dear Journal,
Today I awoke to a loud screech and noticed that the strange feeling of force that started once the loud humming noise from underneath us had, was gone. Suddenly, it felt as if something was pulling the sack up. We rolled out of the bag and into the sun like rocks in a landslide. I thought I was free, until I landed on a rather comfortable cushion with four bars about half my height on all sides. I tried to get out, but unfortunately, unlike the strange creatures whom picked me from my tree, I do not have limbs.
Just when I thought I would make it out, they closed us in with a lid. We were carried to a place most strange, with my friends and neighbors lined up in rows upon rows. Suddenly I heard a loud voice coming from all directions. “Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five minutes.”

Day 4
Dear Journal,
When the sun rose today, the weird two legged animals that a wise banana had told me were called “human beans”, emerged from the box like hole and started to pick us up and toss us in their odd, lidless crates on circles. Strange enough, the fruits that were chosen to go, never came back. This went on for a while until I asked the banana where they were going and what happened to them.
“Legend has it,” the banana replied, “that there was once a bushel of apples who were taken by the human beans. However, among those fruits, was a bad apple. According to him, he saw his brothers and sisters being chopped up and swallowed.”
“How did he escape?” I asked, fighting not to pass out.
“Apparently, being a bad apple, the human beans didn’t want him. So they took him back.” I felt sick to my core. I thought I was going to blow seeds. “You can’t really trust him though,” the banana said, obviously seeing how disturbed I was. “He is a bad apple, he could of just made the whole thing up.” It was very possible. Bad apples are almost never trustworthy, but I could tell that wasn’t the case. The banana was just trying to make me feel better. There was something about his peel. The way the stem looked upward, like he was deep in thought.
The sun was setting now, and I heard the same voice as the night before. “Attention shoppers, thank you for choosing Smart, the store will be closing in ten minutes.”
“Banana,” I said. “Hmm.” “I promise that no matter what happens, no matter how hard things may get, we will get through this together.”

Day 5
Dear Journal,
Once again, the sun rose and the human beans came through the hole and went choosing the best of my friends to eat. “Disgusting,” I said to myself. “Absolutely disgusting.” Right then, I felt more sick then the time a worm somehow got into my core. I felt sick… of them.
“So,” the banana said after awhile. “Here’s how the human beans do it. First, they pick us up and put us in their portable storage containers or P.S.C.. Then, after they get everything they need, they go to the front of the big box and trade this kind of green paper I think they call change for us.
After that, a human bean will put us in another smaller P.S.C. which then goes into the bigger one. Once that is done, they take us to a wide, black, rock hard ground where there are hundreds of giant metal boxes that are on wheels. They throw us while we are still in the small P.S.C. usually into the middle section of one of the boxes.
Soon after that, the human beans get into the front section and use this kind of partly hollowed out circle to move the biggest of the P.S.C.s. After a while, the box will stop at a specific large wooden box although it usually has a big triangle on top of it. At arrival, the human beans will take us into the wood box and they are never seen again.”
“One question,” I said.
“Yes?”
“How do you know all this stuff?”
“I recruited a spy bird,” he said uncomfortably.
“What did you give it in return?” I asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Just then, I noticed some of his stem was missing. Brrrrr, I shivered as my core did a somersault.
“So how do we escape?” I asked trying to stay on topic.
“We could try punching a hole through the small P.S.C. and rolling out as the human bean brings us into their wood box, or we could try to hide in the big P.S.C., or, and this is the most risky,… we could wait, and make a plan to escape the wood box,” the banana suggested. I thought about these for a long time.
“Let’s try them all,” I said after a while.
“Agreed.”

Day 6
Dear Journal,
Today, we execute… OPERATION BAD APPLE (and Banana)!

Day 7
Dear Journal,
OPERATION BAD APPLE (and Banana)(!)… failed. Unfortunately all of our plans had one very fatal and completely overlooked flaw. A flaw that evolution has cursed us with! The flaw that Bananas… don’t roll well. We tried everything, some of which I would not like to talk about.
But we tried pushing him, dragging him, carrying him…sorry, my core did a somersault. Anyway, we couldn’t get the cat out of the bag, or us. No, seriously this female bean likes cats a LOT. One and a half hours of nothing but, well, butt (Cat butt, that is). Brrrrr, I shiver just to think about it. And just when I thought I would never eat the sunlight (or smell) again, the banana and I heard a muffled voice. It was hard to make out, but I think it went something like, “shnukoms, wht R U dooing in theere.” As the banana and I were attempting to decipher this obviously highly complex system of speech, suddenly … LET THERE BE LIGHT. The cat left the P.S.C., but that was when we discovered our flaw, that bananas don’t go with the roll.
I pushed and pulled and tugged and lifted until I pulled a hamstem. After about two minutes of embarrassing attempts to throw the banana out the P.S.C. that we were trapped in, (which, by the way, was being secretly videotaped by a deviled egg) we decided to stop throwing him out. He was starting to look green (again). Then the human bean came to the P.S.C. that we were told was a [slug] bug by a suspicious looking asparagus. It picked us up and started carrying us to the black gates of fruit DOOM (and apparently cats)!
“Quick, execute Plan Banana Split 2,” said Banana!
“Umm right, big sharp thing!” I searched frantically, but couldn’t find anything. “Come on, come on!” I said to myself. Then I heard a jingling and a click. I was beginning to panic.
“Alright, time for the disinfectant spray.” Said a voice outside the P.S.C. And it felt as though we were set down. “I don’t trust that markets disinfectant.” I heard a hiss and when I looked up, I saw a mist falling down on us. By this time, I really was starting to panic. And when the mist reached me, everything went black.

Day 8
Dear Journal,
“BAAA,” I woke with a start, gasping and out of water. “Ohh apple #five hundred and eight six, hu, hu, hu, I just had the worst dream o-HOLY SPROUTS ITS REAL!”
“Huu, whats real?”
“hbu, bubu, ruma, ohhh”
“What?” the banana asked. Before I could answer him, however, a giant hand swooped down and stole us, only to plop us down on an incredibility smooth and reflective stone. Then I saw it. Every fruit, vegi., grain, dairy product, and meats worst nightmare. The Kitchen. Knives, forks, blenders, ovens, and worst of all… SPOONS! Although it wasn’t quite as scary as I had imagined. I had imagined obsidian walls and demon fire and butchers knives. Instead, it was rather nice. Clean and sunny. Until, just then, the older female human bean got out a huge pot and started to fill it with water. After she filled it, she put it on the stove, turned a knob, and flames shot out of the bottom of the pot.
As the pot was heating up, the banana and I looked around and examined the kitchen. There were several holes in the walls, but each one of them seemed to be blocked by an invisible, flat rock. There was a hole in the sink and we would have tried that, had it not been for the sound it made when one of the human beans dumped some rather goopy looking fluid down it and flicked a switch. We had just about given up hope when the banana spotted a small hole at the bottom of the invisible, flat rocks.
“Apple,” said the banana. “look at that.” I looked down and saw the closed hole.”If we can just get that open,” the banana said.
“How?” I asked doubtfully. Just then, a cat walked over there and just pushed it over its head, walking through the hole.
“Apparently, that’s how,” the banana said with a grin.
After a couple brainstorms of escape plans, we heard a loud RRRIIIIIIIPPPP, and saw that the older human bean had ripped open a P.S.C. that contained some kind of white powder. we tried to ignore what she was doing, even though we both knew that just behind us, some innocent fruit or vegetable was being chopped up and stewed, just for the sake of taste. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore, I whirled around prepared to snap my eyes shut. But when I saw what she was doing, it wasn’t bad at all. She was just taking some of that white powder and dumping it onto another sort of strange smooth rock. But I noticed that whenever she did, a large puff of white dust appeared that was almost harder to see through than fog.
“I have had it with these flour clouds!” the older bean exclaimed. And she walked away. However a few seconds later she returned with a metal plant with only three leaves and one root. when she attached the root to the wall, the leaves started to spin, faster, faster, faster until you could feel a gust of wind.
“Ahh, that’s better,” the human bean said. and the white clouds vanished. I told the banana about the white cloud.
“Interesting, and the metal plant blows it away?” he asked
“Yes,” I replied. “But it takes a second.”
“Hmm”

Day 9
Dear Journal,
Today is the day we succeed. Today is the day we make history! Today, we escape. I explained the plan to the banana.
“Alright, in the kitchen, there are three large holes in the wall. However, each one seems to be closed off by an invisible, flat rock. except for one, which has a hole in the clear rock big enough for a cat to fit through. however, the human bean could walk in at any time and capture us for good. So to deal with her, fortunately she still hasn’t put the P.S.C. of white powder away yet. So the next time she walks into the kitchen, we will tip over the P.S.C. and a massive white dust cloud should appear blocking her vision completely. Unfortunately, she still has the metal plant blowing, so the cloud won’t last very long. I shall then pick you up, and carry you to the hole in the clear rock. Once we get through, we’re home free!” Just after I finished, the Human bean appeared, holding what looked like a fake mouse.
“Shnookums, where are you?” she called, wandering into the kitchen, bent down. “Positions,” Banana and I rolled back, behind the P.S.C.. “Operation BANANA SPLIT WITH AN APPLE ON TOP is now underway!”
“Three, two, one, push!” together we shoved as hard as we could, throwing our whole fruit weight into it. Aaannnd… FFFWWWWOOOMMMP!!! White powder everywhere. “Ahh!” We heard a small thud and a groan. But we didn’t have time to investigate, the plant was already starting to clear away our cover. I picked Banana up and rolled for the hole. Almost there, almost there, I thought.
“Ahh!” Thud. “Uhh, apparently we didn’t take into account the fact that we’re on the counter.” It took a moment to regroup, but soon, Banana was back on my stem and we were at the hole. I threw the banana up and into the hole, hoping that it would open. Sure enough, it did, but just barely.
“OK, now my turn, Hup. Dang it, I can’t reach!” I looked back. I could see the powder clearing up and the shadow of a human bean starting to recover. I looked frantically nearby, but all I could see was a few rubber bands, a ball of string, and a plastic, flat bar… suddenly, sunbulb. I rolled over to the flat bar and put the tip lying at the base of the hole. I looked back and our cover was almost gone now. I could see the human bean getting up, and knew I only had seconds before she found me. I wasted no time in climbing up. Soon I was free. Or at least, I thought I was.
“Wait, That’s not suppose to be there!” Outside, was a large field of grass and just beyond that, were giant flat bars of wood, sticking out of the ground.
“I can see a hole at the base of one of the wood bars,” said the banana. “But there’s no other way across.”
“I’m not going in there!” I told the banana. “Do you know how many bugs and worms there are in these kind of places?!”
“It’s the only way out,” the banana urged me. “Look, I’ve already come up with a plan. I found a sharp stick. You carry me, and I’ll defend you.” I had to think about this for a bit. “Its either that, or stay here and rot.”
“Fine,” I said reluctantly. So I picked him up, and he readied his stick. ”I am so gonna regret this,” I said to myself. I took a deep breath. “Three, two, one, CHARGE!” I started to roll as fast as I could. Sometimes I could catch glimpses of the banana stabbing here and jabbing there. After about thirty seconds however, we were starting to get tired. I was getting dizzy, and before I knew it, I was spinning out of control and the banana was left behind.
When I recovered, I was on a patch of smooth, grey, stone. And right behind me, was the exit. I started to go, but just then, I heard fighting behind me. The clashing of fang and stick, and I knew that the banana was out there, right now, fighting for his life. I started to roll back there, but stopped just short of the edge of the stone. I didn’t have any protection this time, they would gobble me up as soon as I set stem in that place, I backed up, not knowing what I should do. On one branch, certain freedom, but almost certainly losing a friend. On the other branch, almost certainly getting eaten, but my friend would be safe. I didn’t know what to do. Save my friend or save myself. And right then something clicked, and I remembered what I had said 5 days ago
“I promise that no matter what happens, no matter how hard things may get, we will get through this together.” I had made a promise, and I was not about to break it. I took another deep breath, and rolled.

Somehow, I was able to dodge every bug that saw me and even squish a few. I could tell I was getting closer. The noise was getting louder and louder. Soon I could even hear the screeches of some of the bugs getting stabbed. When I finally got to the place and skidded to a halt, what I saw was unbelievable. An entire hoard of insects were attacking the banana, who now had two sticks, but there was no way, he would be able to fight off that many bugs. I had never seen that many of anything in one place. Any and every kind of bug was there. There were spiders, ants, flys, mosquitoes, bees, hornets, and beetles, (who by the way, some of the beetles were singing songs from the 1960’s) and that was just what I could see. On top of all that, I could tell the banana was exhausted. I got in my rolling position. I spun round and round, plunging straight into the hoard. Any bug that was in my path ended up squished, or knocked aside.
I was getting dizzy again, and the path was getting thicker. But I stayed on track, never faltering. I was determined to reach my friend. But the road was so thick with bugs now, I wasn’t sure I could get there. And right when I thought I wasn’t going to make it, with one last great push of effort, I collapsed beside him. Almost out of juice, I stood up wobbly and said one word.
“Run!” picked him up and rolled out the same way I came. Lucky for me, the bugs hadn’t moved back and filled that gap yet. So it was A WHOLE LOT easier to get back. Even so, with the banana riding on me and the fact that I was completely out of juice, rolling back there fast enough to stay ahead of the spiders and flys, felt like towing a tree half a mile. I was slowing down now and the spiders were closing in. The banana was starting to fight them off now. And right as we were about to be overwhelmed we burst through the grass and rolled right into the hole.
I stopped and looked back. I expected to see fangs coming out of the exit, but instead I saw several of them looking at the smooth, grey stone with absolute disgust and hatred. Then they walked away and everything went dark.

Day 10
Dear Journal,
When I woke up, I found myself in a rather familiar place, my family tree.
“Uhh,” I groaned. Then shot boltright up. “Where’s banana?”
“Relax dear,” said mother tree in the most soothing voice I’ve heard in the past week and a half. “Your friend is here.” She opened some of her branches and hanging on one of them, was a banana. and not just hanging either, It was attached!
“B-b-b-b-banana,” I stuttered feeling light headed again.
“Whoa there, don’t pass out on us again,” he said.
“Bu-bu-bu-but how?” I asked exasperated.
“Your friend took you back to me,” mother tree explained. “He told me about the time he has had with you and said he does not have a family to go back to. His tree was cut down. So, I decided to take him in and graft him as one of my own. And now son, do you want to join us?”
I looked over to the banana, then to my family. “No,” I said.
“Really son, why not?”
“Because I don’t want what happened to me, to happen to any of you,” I replied “From this moment on, I will guard you, and keep any human beans from harming you ever again.”
“So be it,” mother tree said. “Good luck and thank you.”

The End By Aleksandr La Forge

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Posted by: Lizabeta | June 21, 2011

Journal of an Apple

Big Apple
Diary of an Apple
Day 1
Dear Journal,
It is a terrible time to be an apple, for I have been plucked from my family tree, tossed and trapped in a sack. I am being carried away to unknown lands, lands that no apple has ever returned from. It is dark and cold in this bag. I’ve never felt so alone, even surrounded by my own kind.

Day 2
Dear Journal,
I am bruised from all this bumpy traveling, its windy and crowded. As I look out a small hole upon my siblings and neighbors boxed up in crates and sacks, who are scared out of their skins, I wonder what will happen to me. I can no longer see my family tree. I’m scared, I don’t know where we are going, or what they are going to do to us. All I know is that after this, my life will never be the same.

Day 3
Dear Journal,
Today I awoke to a loud screech and noticed that the strange feeling of force that started once the loud humming noise from underneath us had, was gone. Suddenly, it felt as if something was pulling the sack up. We rolled out of the bag and into the sun like rocks in a landslide. I thought I was free, until I landed on a rather comfortable cushion with four bars about half my height on all sides. I tried to get out, but unfortunately, unlike the strange creatures whom picked me from my tree, I do not have limbs.
Just when I thought I would make it out, they closed us in with a lid. We were carried to a place most strange, with my friends and neighbors lined up in rows upon rows. Suddenly I heard a loud voice coming from all directions. “Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five minutes.”

Day 4
Dear Journal,
When the sun rose today, the weird two legged animals that a wise banana had told me were called “human beans”, emerged from the box like hole and started to pick us up and toss us in their odd, lidless crates on circles. Strange enough, the fruits that were chosen to go, never came back. This went on for a while until I asked the banana where they were going and what happened to them.
“Legend has it,” the banana replied, “that there was once a bushel of apples who were taken by the human beans. However, among those fruits, was a bad apple. According to him, he saw his brothers and sisters being chopped up and swallowed.”
“How did he escape?” I asked, fighting not to pass out.
“Apparently, being a bad apple, the human beans didn’t want him. So they took him back.” I felt sick to my core. I thought I was going to blow seeds. “You can’t really trust him though,” the banana said, obviously seeing how disturbed I was. “He is a bad apple, he could of just made the whole thing up.” It was very possible. Bad apples are almost never trustworthy, but I could tell that wasn’t the case. The banana was just trying to make me feel better. There was something about his peel. The way the stem looked upward, like he was deep in thought.
The sun was setting now, and I heard the same voice as the night before. “Attention shoppers, thank you for choosing Smart, the store will be closing in ten minutes.”
“Banana,” I said. “Hmm.” “I promise that no matter what happens, no matter how hard things may get, we will get through this together.”

Day 5
Dear Journal,
Once again, the sun rose and the human beans came through the hole and went choosing the best of my friends to eat. “Disgusting,” I said to myself. “Absolutely disgusting.” Right then, I felt more sick then the time a worm somehow got into my core. I felt sick… of them.
“So,” the banana said after awhile. “Here’s how the human beans do it. First, they pick us up and put us in their portable storage containers or P.S.C.. Then, after they get everything they need, they go to the front of the big box and trade this kind of green paper I think they call change for us.
After that, a human bean will put us in another smaller P.S.C. which then goes into the bigger one. Once that is done, they take us to a wide, black, rock hard ground where there are hundreds of giant metal boxes that are on wheels. They throw us while we are still in the small P.S.C. usually into the middle section of one of the boxes.
Soon after that, the human beans get into the front section and use this kind of partly hollowed out circle to move the biggest of the P.S.C.s. After a while, the box will stop at a specific large wooden box although it usually has a big triangle on top of it. At arrival, the human beans will take us into the wood box and they are never seen again.”
“One question,” I said.
“Yes?”
“How do you know all this stuff?”
“I recruited a spy bird,” he said uncomfortably.
“What did you give it in return?” I asked.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Just then, I noticed some of his stem was missing. Brrrrr, I shivered as my core did a somersault.
“So how do we escape?” I asked trying to stay on topic.
“We could try punching a hole through the small P.S.C. and rolling out as the human bean brings us into their wood box, or we could try to hide in the big P.S.C., or, and this is the most risky,… we could wait, and make a plan to escape the wood box,” the banana suggested. I thought about these for a long time.
“Let’s try them all,” I said after a while.
“Agreed.”

Day 6
Dear Journal,
Today, we execute… OPERATION BAD APPLE (and Banana)!

Day 7
Dear Journal,
OPERATION BAD APPLE (and Banana)(!)… failed. Unfortunately all of our plans had one very fatal and completely overlooked flaw. A flaw that evolution has cursed us with! The flaw that Bananas… don’t roll well. We tried everything, some of which I would not like to talk about.
But we tried pushing him, dragging him, carrying him…sorry, my core did a somersault. Anyway, we couldn’t get the cat out of the bag, or us. No, seriously this female bean likes cats a LOT. One and a half hours of nothing but, well, butt (Cat butt, that is). Brrrrr, I shiver just to think about it. And just when I thought I would never eat the sunlight (or smell) again, the banana and I heard a muffled voice. It was hard to make out, but I think it went something like, “shnukoms, wht R U dooing in theere.” As the banana and I were attempting to decipher this obviously highly complex system of speech, suddenly … LET THERE BE LIGHT. The cat left the P.S.C., but that was when we discovered our flaw, that bananas don’t go with the roll.
I pushed and pulled and tugged and lifted until I pulled a hamstem. After about two minutes of embarrassing attempts to throw the banana out the P.S.C. that we were trapped in, (which, by the way, was being secretly videotaped by a deviled egg) we decided to stop throwing him out. He was starting to look green (again). Then the human bean came to the P.S.C. that we were told was a [slug] bug by a suspicious looking asparagus. It picked us up and started carrying us to the black gates of fruit DOOM (and apparently cats)!
“Quick, execute Plan Banana Split 2,” said Banana!
“Umm right, big sharp thing!” I searched frantically, but couldn’t find anything. “Come on, come on!” I said to myself. Then I heard a jingling and a click. I was beginning to panic.
“Alright, time for the disinfectant spray.” Said a voice outside the P.S.C. And it felt as though we were set down. “I don’t trust that markets disinfectant.” I heard a hiss and when I looked up, I saw a mist falling down on us. By this time, I really was starting to panic. And when the mist reached me, everything went black.

Day 8
Dear Journal,
“BAAA,” I woke with a start, gasping and out of water. “Ohh apple #five hundred and eight six, hu, hu, hu, I just had the worst dream o-HOLY SPROUTS ITS REAL!”
“Huu, whats real?”
“hbu, bubu, ruma, ohhh”
“What?” the banana asked. Before I could answer him, however, a giant hand swooped down and stole us, only to plop us down on an incredibility smooth and reflective stone. Then I saw it. Every fruit, vegi., grain, dairy product, and meats worst nightmare. The Kitchen. Knives, forks, blenders, ovens, and worst of all… SPOONS! Although it wasn’t quite as scary as I had imagined. I had imagined obsidian walls and demon fire and butchers knives. Instead, it was rather nice. Clean and sunny. Until, just then, the older female human bean got out a huge pot and started to fill it with water. After she filled it, she put it on the stove, turned a knob, and flames shot out of the bottom of the pot.
As the pot was heating up, the banana and I looked around and examined the kitchen. There were several holes in the walls, but each one of them seemed to be blocked by an invisible, flat rock. There was a hole in the sink and we would have tried that, had it not been for the sound it made when one of the human beans dumped some rather goopy looking fluid down it and flicked a switch. We had just about given up hope when the banana spotted a small hole at the bottom of the invisible, flat rocks.
“Apple,” said the banana. “look at that.” I looked down and saw the closed hole.”If we can just get that open,” the banana said.
“How?” I asked doubtfully. Just then, a cat walked over there and just pushed it over its head, walking through the hole.
“Apparently, that’s how,” the banana said with a grin.
After a couple brainstorms of escape plans, we heard a loud RRRIIIIIIIPPPP, and saw that the older human bean had ripped open a P.S.C. that contained some kind of white powder. we tried to ignore what she was doing, even though we both knew that just behind us, some innocent fruit or vegetable was being chopped up and stewed, just for the sake of taste. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore, I whirled around prepared to snap my eyes shut. But when I saw what she was doing, it wasn’t bad at all. She was just taking some of that white powder and dumping it onto another sort of strange smooth rock. But I noticed that whenever she did, a large puff of white dust appeared that was almost harder to see through than fog.
“I have had it with these flour clouds!” the older bean exclaimed. And she walked away. However a few seconds later she returned with a metal plant with only three leaves and one root. when she attached the root to the wall, the leaves started to spin, faster, faster, faster until you could feel a gust of wind.
“Ahh, that’s better,” the human bean said. and the white clouds vanished. I told the banana about the white cloud.
“Interesting, and the metal plant blows it away?” he asked
“Yes,” I replied. “But it takes a second.”
“Hmm”

Day 9
Dear Journal,
Today is the day we succeed. Today is the day we make history! Today, we escape. I explained the plan to the banana.
“Alright, in the kitchen, there are three large holes in the wall. However, each one seems to be closed off by an invisible, flat rock. except for one, which has a hole in the clear rock big enough for a cat to fit through. however, the human bean could walk in at any time and capture us for good. So to deal with her, fortunately she still hasn’t put the P.S.C. of white powder away yet. So the next time she walks into the kitchen, we will tip over the P.S.C. and a massive white dust cloud should appear blocking her vision completely. Unfortunately, she still has the metal plant blowing, so the cloud won’t last very long. I shall then pick you up, and carry you to the hole in the clear rock. Once we get through, we’re home free!” Just after I finished, the Human bean appeared, holding what looked like a fake mouse.
“Shnookums, where are you?” she called, wandering into the kitchen, bent down. “Positions,” Banana and I rolled back, behind the P.S.C.. “Operation BANANA SPLIT WITH AN APPLE ON TOP is now underway!”
“Three, two, one, push!” together we shoved as hard as we could, throwing our whole fruit weight into it. Aaannnd… FFFWWWWOOOMMMP!!! White powder everywhere. “Ahh!” We heard a small thud and a groan. But we didn’t have time to investigate, the plant was already starting to clear away our cover. I picked Banana up and rolled for the hole. Almost there, almost there, I thought.
“Ahh!” Thud. “Uhh, apparently we didn’t take into account the fact that we’re on the counter.” It took a moment to regroup, but soon, Banana was back on my stem and we were at the hole. I threw the banana up and into the hole, hoping that it would open. Sure enough, it did, but just barely.
“OK, now my turn, Hup. Dang it, I can’t reach!” I looked back. I could see the powder clearing up and the shadow of a human bean starting to recover. I looked frantically nearby, but all I could see was a few rubber bands, a ball of string, and a plastic, flat bar… suddenly, sunbulb. I rolled over to the flat bar and put the tip lying at the base of the hole. I looked back and our cover was almost gone now. I could see the human bean getting up, and knew I only had seconds before she found me. I wasted no time in climbing up. Soon I was free. Or at least, I thought I was.
“Wait, That’s not suppose to be there!” Outside, was a large field of grass and just beyond that, were giant flat bars of wood, sticking out of the ground.
“I can see a hole at the base of one of the wood bars,” said the banana. “But there’s no other way across.”
“I’m not going in there!” I told the banana. “Do you know how many bugs and worms there are in these kind of places?!”
“It’s the only way out,” the banana urged me. “Look, I’ve already come up with a plan. I found a sharp stick. You carry me, and I’ll defend you.” I had to think about this for a bit. “Its either that, or stay here and rot.”
“Fine,” I said reluctantly. So I picked him up, and he readied his stick. ”I am so gonna regret this,” I said to myself. I took a deep breath. “Three, two, one, CHARGE!” I started to roll as fast as I could. Sometimes I could catch glimpses of the banana stabbing here and jabbing there. After about thirty seconds however, we were starting to get tired. I was getting dizzy, and before I knew it, I was spinning out of control and the banana was left behind.
When I recovered, I was on a patch of smooth, grey, stone. And right behind me, was the exit. I started to go, but just then, I heard fighting behind me. The clashing of fang and stick, and I knew that the banana was out there, right now, fighting for his life. I started to roll back there, but stopped just short of the edge of the stone. I didn’t have any protection this time, they would gobble me up as soon as I set stem in that place, I backed up, not knowing what I should do. On one branch, certain freedom, but almost certainly losing a friend. On the other branch, almost certainly getting eaten, but my friend would be safe. I didn’t know what to do. Save my friend or save myself. And right then something clicked, and I remembered what I had said 5 days ago
“I promise that no matter what happens, no matter how hard things may get, we will get through this together.” I had made a promise, and I was not about to break it. I took another deep breath, and rolled.

Somehow, I was able to dodge every bug that saw me and even squish a few. I could tell I was getting closer. The noise was getting louder and louder. Soon I could even hear the screeches of some of the bugs getting stabbed. When I finally got to the place and skidded to a halt, what I saw was unbelievable. An entire hoard of insects were attacking the banana, who now had two sticks, but there was no way, he would be able to fight off that many bugs. I had never seen that many of anything in one place. Any and every kind of bug was there. There were spiders, ants, flys, mosquitoes, bees, hornets, and beetles, (who by the way, some of the beetles were singing songs from the 1960’s) and that was just what I could see. On top of all that, I could tell the banana was exhausted. I got in my rolling position. I spun round and round, plunging straight into the hoard. Any bug that was in my path ended up squished, or knocked aside.
I was getting dizzy again, and the path was getting thicker. But I stayed on track, never faltering. I was determined to reach my friend. But the road was so thick with bugs now, I wasn’t sure I could get there. And right when I thought I wasn’t going to make it, with one last great push of effort, I collapsed beside him. Almost out of juice, I stood up wobbly and said one word.
“Run!” picked him up and rolled out the same way I came. Lucky for me, the bugs hadn’t moved back and filled that gap yet. So it was A WHOLE LOT easier to get back. Even so, with the banana riding on me and the fact that I was completely out of juice, rolling back there fast enough to stay ahead of the spiders and flys, felt like towing a tree half a mile. I was slowing down now and the spiders were closing in. The banana was starting to fight them off now. And right as we were about to be overwhelmed we burst through the grass and rolled right into the hole.
I stopped and looked back. I expected to see fangs coming out of the exit, but instead I saw several of them looking at the smooth, grey stone with absolute disgust and hatred. Then they walked away and everything went dark.

Day 10
Dear Journal,
When I woke up, I found myself in a rather familiar place, my family tree.
“Uhh,” I groaned. Then shot boltright up. “Where’s banana?”
“Relax dear,” said mother tree in the most soothing voice I’ve heard in the past week and a half. “Your friend is here.” She opened some of her branches and hanging on one of them, was a banana. and not just hanging either, It was attached!
“B-b-b-b-banana,” I stuttered feeling light headed again.
“Whoa there, don’t pass out on us again,” he said.
“Bu-bu-bu-but how?” I asked exasperated.
“Your friend took you back to me,” mother tree explained. “He told me about the time he has had with you and said he does not have a family to go back to. His tree was cut down. So, I decided to take him in and graft him as one of my own. And now son, do you want to join us?”
I looked over to the banana, then to my family. “No,” I said.
“Really son, why not?”
“Because I don’t want what happened to me, to happen to any of you,” I replied “From this moment on, I will guard you, and keep any human beans from harming you ever again.”
“So be it,” mother tree said. “Good luck and thank you.”

The End By Aleksandr La Forge

Still relevant, after all these years…

Lizabeta's Condensed Recommendations for Hunting Steampunk Treasures on Ebay Let me say to begin with…   I am a firm believer that you cannot just smack a gear on something and call it Steampunk. The most beautiful Steampunk mods I've seen combine asthetics with function. A gear turns something, it makes something else move that makes something else do something. If you are going to use a gear in a steampunk item, hopefully it is useful, or at the very least, makes something move. There is, thankfully, more to steampunk … Read More

via Steampunk Bitz

Posted by: Lizabeta | April 23, 2010

Mouse In The House

Last night, Aleks slept downstairs, convinced something was in his room. Potentially a mouse, possibly a raccoon by the description, or a Tasmanian devil. But I let him sleep downstairs anyway. Today, he was Justified.

Kelsey tried to go to bed, came out to say she heard scratching in her room. Kirk tried to find the source, no luck. She went back to bed. Then she called me (she was upstairs, we were in the basement) to say there was a noise in her vent For Sure. But she passed on coming downstairs.

About 5 minutes later we hear Frantic Feet Pounding their way down Two Flights of Stairs. Excitable Freaked Out Teenage Girl comes barreling into the playroom to say Its In Her Drawers! (What is?) The THING the It’s IN there It’s Eating (What? Where is it? and what did you see?) It’s a Mouse! It’s in my Rollie Thing.

(exasperation) We go upstairs to find IT. “ITS” vacated her “Rollie Thing” (storage cart on wheels, btw). It was munching on a ball of aluminum foil from some chocolate when it was confronted with 105 lbs of excitable female. 100 of them Kelsey, 5 of them Dottie who had sniffed out the little rodent and let Kelsey know where to look.

Well… We couldn’t find the THING anywhere.. but we put a box over the vent. Kelsey tried to go back to bed.

5 minutes later, down comes Ms. Excitable. It was IN her BED! IT was THERE and IT was RUNNING and she THREW an algebra BOOK AT IT AND NOW SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE IT IS BUT ITS THERE AND SHE CAN’T SLEEP! (By IN her bed, she really meant UNDER her bed, btw and the barrage really sounded like that looks.)

So I tell Kelsey to stay there and I go back up. Dottie is still in Kelsey’s room acting like it’s Christmas morning and I’ve waited too long to wake up. She’s prancing and whining and focused on finding the mouse. (Which, I’ve been informed, is small, grey and pretty cute.)  Kirk follows upstairs, bringing the flashlight. As he enters Kelsey’s room, I can hear Aleksandr’s extortions to please please don’t squish it. Please use a trap, like in the cartoons, with just a net, or a box that will fall on him. So Kirk has me go get a box. No, we weren’t going to prop it up with a stick and hope he ran under it, conveniently knocking the stick down and trapping himself. We were going to make the box the only choice to run into and a ‘safe haven’ from us.

Dottie is going NUTS. She’s sniffing and pouncing on anything that moves. She’s INTENT. She’s got the mouse pinned behind Kelsey’s dresser in the closet. Problem is… Kelsey has so much stuff on the floor of her closet, there is no way we can catch the mouse. So everything starts coming out, one bit at a time, being tossed on Kelsey’s bed as we make sure it is Mouse-Free.

I’ll just sum up the crazy bit at the end where Kirk and I chased a grey mouse around a 7X3 closet for 30ish minutes, attempting to get it into the box. At one point, Kirk would have rather smashed it than continue trying to get it into the box, but he persevered, for Aleksandr’s sake (or mine, I’m not really sure). The mouse did get OUT of the closet, into the main room. This mad dash for escape was met with the very cute but not so fierce Dottie the Wonder Chihuahua who did not let that mouse out of her sight. Much pouncing and pointing occurred. Through a series of mishaps and lucky chances, the mouse did in fact run INTO the box we had prepared and thus was SAVED from the terrible fate of Thunk-The-Spider-Squisher or Dottie The Wonder Chihuahua.

The little grey mouse was awfully cute, for a wild rodent… and was relocated to the apartment complex garbage bin for the feast of a lifetime. Aleksandr was MUCH relieved that Mr. Grey Mouse was saved and Kelsey was Much Relieved that her bed was Rodent Free. I was much relieved that I didn’t have to hear, witness or clean up the results of any Mouse Squishing. I can’t tell if Kirk was Relieved or Exasperated by the whole affair. I have a feeling that the mouse was much relieved too, but I didn’t interview him before setting him free.

Posted by: Lizabeta | March 30, 2010

Easter Egg Hunt for Older Kids – Night Time Egg Hunt

If your kids are like mine, they probably grew out of easter egg hunts around age 9 or 10… when find the eggs became too easy and you ran out of harder places to hide them.

One year, we tried an egg hunt in the dark and ooooo boyoboy! We hit on something so much fun that even at age 17, my step-daughter is still looking forward to it! We use only plastic eggs (cause no one wants to step on a hard boiled egg) filled with candy or fortunes or coins. My husband and I hide them all over, up and down, along baseboards, even in plain sight on tables, the floor, on top of cushions, in cracks, … whereever. The key is… get a mini flashlight. Something that uses a single AA battery or less. If you only have larger flashlights, tape a few layers of tissue paper or that adhesive backed plastic wrap over the top. Something to diffuse the light. Close all the curtains, turn off all the lights (wait till its dark, obviously) and let the kids come in. We’ve had anywhere from 2 to 10 kids, depending on the year. Let them scour! It’s HARD when its dark! It’s amazing what they miss! Don’t forget to remove any precious breakables before you let them loose! Eager children in the dark tend towards the clumsy!

On years when we have 10+ kids hunting… my husband brings a maglight without a cover. If the older kids seem too greedy or like they still have too much of an advantage… he flashes the mag light right in their eyes… temporarily blinding them and making the little ones giggle hysterically as they watch their older siblings stumble.

Usually what has happened though is the older kids have fun, get some eggs and towards the end, they help the younger kids find the missed eggs.

Easter Egg Hunt in the Dark – The Solution to Kids Growing Too Old For Fun.

Posted by: Lizabeta | March 23, 2010

Rocco’s Dream Sequence in Boondock Saints II.

I transcribed this myself, so if there are errors, please let me know. I just happen to think the dream sequence in Boondock Saints II is funny.

(Sitting at a bar having a drink. Black cat walks over the bar. Rocco pours three drinks.)
Conner: You look good Rocco.
Rocco: You two don’t.
Murphy: Our friend…
Rocco: I know… he was a big boy.
Connor: Well, if it weren’t for us, maybe the two of you would…
Rocco: Would what? Would never have stood for anything?
Murphy: What are you talking about Rock?
Rocco: I made my decision and stood next to you. And it was an honor. And I wouldn’t change that for the whole world. Not one minute of it. Now… Sláinte
The boys: Sláinte
Murphy: You know, he was sort of a badass though, wasn’t he?
Connor: Shades of Eastwood. Charlie Bronson.
Rocco: Duke Fucking Wayne!
The boys: Duke Fucking Wayne!
(Cut to rooftop on top of Boston)
Rocco: Men build things, then we die. It’s in our fucking DNA! THAT’S WHAT WE DO!
Murphy: And when it all falls down?
Rocco: We build it right back up again.
Connor: But this time bigger. BETTER!
Rocco: Look! Look what we can do. Look how fuckin’ beautiful we are. You think the men that built all this had it easy?
Murphy: HARD MEN!
Connor: Doing Hard Shit!
Rocco: And that gives me a hard on! …but not in a gay way or anything like that.
Murphy: Oh, no, ‘course not
Connor: Yeah, goes without sayin’
(Cut to a ice rink, mostly dark except for the lights on the guys)
Rocco: I am so sick of all of this self-help-12-step-leftover-hippie-generation bullshit!
Connor: Now they don’t want you to do anything, right? Just sit there. Don’t drink!
Murphy: Don’t smoke! Don’t drive fast!
All: KISS MY ASS!
Rocco: Fuck it! Do it all I say! Do you think Duke Wayne spent all of his time talking about his feelings with a fuckin’ therapist?
Connor: There’s no fucking way he did!
Rocco: John Wayne died with five pounds of undigested red meat in his ass. Now that’s a man! Real men hide their feelings. Why?
All: Because it’s none of your fuckin’ business!
Rocco: Men do not cry. Men do not pout. Men jack you in the fuckin’ jaw and say…
(Greenly skates up in hockey gear)
Detective Greenly: Thanks for comin’ out.
(Greenly slams hockey puck into the camera lens)
Posted by: Lizabeta | January 7, 2010

The Underwear Bomber failed, in more ways than one.

“The Underwear Bomber failed.” [buahaha, in more ways than one]

We’re going to beef up airport security, because Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab allegedly snuck a bomb through a security checkpoint. We’re going to intensively screen Nigerians, because he is Nigerian. We’re going to field full body scanners, because they might have noticed the PETN that authorities say was hidden in his underwear. And so on.

We’re doing these things even though this particular plot was chosen precisely because we weren’t screening for it; future al Qaeda attacks rarely look like past attacks; and the terrorist threat is far broader than attacks against airplanes.

[I have the answer. After 9/11 we weren’t allowed to bring box cutters or knives onto airplanes anymore. After the “Shoe Bomber” we have to take our shoes off. The most logical answer is the safest. It is being wrongly cast aside because of modesty, vanity and fear of being giggled at. We all have to take our clothes off. That’s right folks… no more clothes on airplanes. The safest way to fly is when we have no where left to hide chemicals or weapons. We get to the airport, undress, put on FAA-Approved Flight Robes and make our way to the gate. Our clothing is tied up in plastic bags and checked with our bags. People with medications can check them in with the flight attendant and you are still allowed to bring reading material. Please, for all our sakes, don’t forget to wear deodorant.]

We’re doing these things even though security worked. The security checkpoints, even at their pre-9/11 levels, forced whoever made the bomb to construct a much worse bomb than he would have otherwise. Instead of using a timer or a plunger or another reliable detonation mechanism, as would any commercial user of PETN, he had to resort to an ad hoc homebrew — and a much more inefficient one, involving a syringe, and 20 minutes in the lavatory, and we don’t know exactly what else — that didn’t explode.

[Dear Underwear Bomber,
Who convinced you this was a good idea? Did you come up with this plan all by yourself? You stuffed chemicals in your unmentionables. Any plan that involves chemicals near my hooha is going to immediatly be passed over. If, by some stretch, someone manages to ask me to reconsider, the mention of a syringe, an in-flight lavatory and the BURNING my hooha part would toss it right back into the realm of not-gonna-happen. Let’s also take a look at your chances for lasting glory. The Underwear Bomber. Really? Was this how you wanted to go down in history? The Underwear Bomber? When you reach heaven, and folks ask you ‘How’d did you go?’ You could respond, “I exploded in my underwear.” Also, you failed. How sad is that? You failed lighting your underwear on fire. I honestly don’t think your heart was really in it.
Next time someone suggests a plan that niggles in the back of your mind… Just Say No.]

credit to this article: http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/01/07/schneier.security/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn

Posted by: Lizabeta | March 4, 2009

How to Steampunk your Office Space

Cubicles are meant to be droneish for a reason. The less difference in one cubicle to another means the less the employees stop to chat about anything unique. It keeps things productive. But when you spend 8+ hours of your day in your office, you want to have things around you that make you happy.

Having an office that looks as awesome as This One: http://www.wired.com/culture/design/multimedia/2007/06/gallery_nemo_office  would be wonderful. However, that level of Steampunk Goodness is out of reach or impractical for most of us.

So, how do you steampunk your office into your happy place without driving your boss over the Edge?

Like all nice touches in life, the key is accessorizing.

A small industrial fan.

An Old Radio

A old library dewey decimal card cabinet for office supplies

Lightbulb with solar reactor

Venus Fly Trap

What are your ideas?

Posted by: Lizabeta | January 6, 2009

New

*sigh*

I could post about the fact that I did finally chop my hair off.

(Note to anyone considering it: don’t.)

I could post about a new year and new beginnings, but I do believe its been done.

I’m about as indecisive as ever. Still, after a year, wondering if I should attempt to make contact with my son’s father… who… I’m 90% positive is having a baby of his own right about…. now. (Late December? Early Jan. Based on a hunch)

And WHAT is twitter all about? Why am I the only one who doesn’t see the attraction? Seriously, what key thing am I missing about it?

Happy New Year. Don’t quit your day job. Or your Anti Depressants.

Posted by: Lizabeta | October 23, 2008

Haiku’s to Hair

ten years healthy growth

gone one instant of impulse

chop chop went the blade

~

~

like samson i feel

that i’ve lost something vital

powerless, bereft

~

~

goodbye precious hair

make a sick child happy

sitting on her head

~

~

www.locksoflove.org

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