Posted by: Lizabeta | April 4, 2008

Freedom

I want to stop the child support. But I’m currently too dependant on it. I got a job, I got a promotion, I’m making more money now than I ever have before. But with my husband not working, we need far more than every penny we currently have. At the very least, I’m not going to have it reviewed the way I planned to last year. The ideal situation would be that my husband would find work that paid enough to make our bills. At that point, even if we aren’t putting money away in savings, I could ask for the child support to cease. Perhaps (and perhaps not), not living with Obligation, he might give something freely. Preferably, his attention and not his money.

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Responses

  1. Maybe; maybe not. Something tells me that he wouldn’t. You know him better than I. If he won’t freely give his attention now when his money is tied up with his son, why would he freely give his attention later when he doesn’t even have that to tie him? If you don’t need the money, you could always put it in a special account for your son to have when he gets old enough. I know it’s gotta be hard on you, to be in this situation. Could you contact him and tell him that his son wants to know him? He may just be in the mindset that it’s too late for a relationship. You wouldn’t have to be pushy, just suggest a meeting one time, with the possibility of future meetings, going to the park, etc.

    Kathy

  2. He lives about 4 states away (the big states, not the New England ones). I’ve emailed a handful of times over the years to keep him informed of where we are, that the door is open, what my son is like.

    He’s always talked about wanting to set relationships on his terms, not be forced into something or manipulated into something or feel like he doesn’t have choices.

    Honestly, I’m still not 100% sure its the right decision. And it might mean he doesn’t pay any more attention. But at least it will strip one more excuse away. Then, I can know for sure that I’ve really done everything *I* could.

    I can’t force him, cannot control him. But I can control what is within my own sphere of control to change.

  3. What an ugly situation.

    “not living with Obligation, he might give something freely”

    Generally this isn’t the case. I’ve seen similar circumstances with relatives and friends and removing the obligation often leads to further separation. Sounds like things are already quite separated.

    Hang in there.

  4. Now this makes me sad…you taking on the responsibility for your child’s father being absent. I have to give you the perspective of the child of a father who didn’t give a damn…you collect that child support, stop blaming yourself for his father’s heartlessness (because that is what it is, how can anyone have a child in the world and pretend they don’t?), and leave his father to pay the price for his inaction. I know that your son is paying the price as well right now, but with a father who doesn’t care, believe me he’s better off not knowing him. Especially if your husband treats him like his own.

    If you don’t want to accept the money for yourself then put it in a savings account for your son when you’re able to do without it. But to think that if he didn’t have to pay to support his child, he might then “give” of himself…he’s a sorry ass bastard if he hasn’t done that on his own.

    I don’t mean to sound harsh, I just know how it is to have a father who doesn’t care. I’d have been better off without knowing him, God’s truth. And my mother did everything she could, including signing away her rights to any child support, to try to get him to be a father to us. Some people are just selfish and really don’t care about their children, and it’s left to the rest of us to deal with it. I’m sorry that you have to.


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