Posted by: Lizabeta | February 28, 2008

Wellbutrin

The OB GYN said I could go on a different anti-depressant that might help with pain management.

 HELL NO.

Thoughts of death. Not suicide… just dark thoughts. A near miss accident becomes a played out drama in my mind of EMS and wreckage and me or other strangers dying, spilling their last words to loved ones.

An unkind word of disagreement before leaving the house leaves me anxious, worrying about car accidents or meteors or gunmen hiding in bushes or malls… what if I don’t see them (loved ones) again?

You probably cannot fathom a world in which 1/2 of what you see or hear leads to you thinking about the death of yourself or someone you love. The anxiety, the constant dark cloud… I never knew it wasn’t normal until I started taking that Wellbutrin. The silence was deafening. I had time to think about other things. For the first time I had some impulse control. My spending dropped. My bad behaviors (well most of them… I still have a tendency to leave my dishes unrinsed or sweep the kitchen but not put it in the tray and dispose of it… I still have no sense of time passing… so I’m frequently late) all but vanished. My moody temperment evened out.

The fog lifted and I was ‘normal’. On it, I’m fine. I have no need for ‘talk therapy’. It’s just a chemical imbalance. If I’m forgetful and don’t take it the way I should, the dark thoughts come back. My motivation to participate in life dissapears. I find myself in my PJs in the afternoon, still reading a book. But it’s the dark dismal thoughts that are my first clue that I’ve missed my medication. I won’t go back to that.

She can pry my Wellbutrin outta my cold dead fingers.

We’ll find another way of pain management she said.

Yes, yes please.

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