Posted by: Lizabeta | February 28, 2008

Echos of flesh…

But it’s all my fault. I should have kept my legs closed.

I try to convince myself this is better. Some folks argue with their ex’s, fight over their children, torture each other with them. 

Me… I don’t have to worry about any interference, well meaning advice, tug of wars…

Except… all that aside… I know he was scared and angry at me, and I understand why. I still think he’s a good person. I still trust him. He worries a lot, about himself, about others… but if he called today and said, book a flight but put the boy on the plane by himself, I don’t want to see you… I’ll be on the other end to pick him up…

I would. In. a. heartbeat.

Don’t get me wrong… my son is not fatherless. My husband is a wonderful man and has been in my son’s life since he was a year old. My son calls him dad, looks up to him, plays games with him. My husband sees my son as his own. But my husband is a steady man. A man of habit, calmness and order. He loves my son, gets along with him… but there are times he just cannot understand him, cannot empathize or identify with him.

When my son’s hyper-ness takes over and his body is all wiggly and his mind is racing with thoughts so fast that he can’t even get them out completely coherently. When common sense leaves and he does something bizarre cause It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time. Or when he is blue for a few days and dwells on dark thoughts.

His father-in-absentia doesn’t need to be a full time dad. My son already has one of those. But that doesn’t mean he has nothing valuable to offer.  He inherently has an understanding, whether he realizes it or not, of how my son Ticks and Tocks; because he is part of him. Personality, you would think, was learned. But I believe it must be, in part, genetic… because I see bits of the man I once knew in my son. It takes me off guard at times.


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